Mostly that we shouldn’t chase boys, over pluck our eyebrows or eat two McDonald’s in one day (sob), but some other stuff too…
1. One night stands do not make you feel better about life pretty much ever. Surprisingly, they also don’t make the boy you’ve just drunkenly slept with want to be your boyfriend either, who knew, eh?
2. One of the best feelings ever? Climbing into fresh bed sheets after a bath and sleeping naked. Sleeping naked isn’t weird or slutty it’s abso-fucking-lutely the dream.
3. Tea pretty much makes anything just a little bit less painful. A break-up, a cancer diagnosis, a car crash. Anything. Always offer it.
4. Having a random sob in bed when nothing is particularly wrong and feeling overwhelmed with the need to order a pizza for one and buy a giant bar of Cadbury’s Whole Nut is ridiculously normal, you’re not mental or obese or alone.
5. Anything at all fitted in H&M will come up small and you’ll have to go two sizes up and you’ll feel ginormous. This is a real thing that is very OK and everyone knows it.
6. Exercise is great for your body and mind, but so’s sleep. If you’re waking up stupidly early and cutting out sleep to exercise, you’re not doing your body any favours. Sleep = healing body.
7. It’s not embarrassing to buy tampons, sanitary towels or condoms. Who knew?
8. Make-up wipes aren’t the best thing since Sabrina The Teenage Witch. Some of them contain chemicals found in anti freeze, they dry out your skin and cause spots. Not so dreamy now, right?
9. You shouldn’t ever double text a boy to remind him you exist. To remind him to pick you up food, yes, but if you’re desperate to make him want to talk to you, he’s probably got no interest in you and you’re better off looking for someone who does.
10. Candles are an absolute game changer and there’s no shame in bulk buying them. They just change your mood instantly and make you into some sort of tranquil, happy, wonderful person.
11. Social media is not reality. It’s full of distorted stories people are trying to tell. Their lives are neither as glamorous or as dire as their Twitter, Facebook and Instagram accounts might make you believe.
12. Friendship shouldn’t feel like something you constantly have to work at, like a bad marriage. The best friends are the ones who pick up exactly where you left off with them three weeks ago rather than begrudge you for having a busy life. The worst friends are the ones who refuse to be happy and support your successes, the ones who bitch with jealously instead of being pleased for you.
13. There is no easy way to disguise a dodgy tummy in public, you just got to do what you got to do and realise you’re only human.
14. The happiness from completing a project – be it an essay, a fitness goal or decorating a room – will far outweigh the happiness from a new pair of Zara heels. Even Zara heels you picked up for a tenner in the sale.
15. Most people aren’t naturally as skinny as the media dictates we should be. For most people to be that size they have to feel crippling hunger every day. You know what’s better? A Big Mac and remembering to take the stairs at work every now and then.
16. Coke, diet or normal, tastes best from a glass bottle, better from a can, and horrifying from a plastic bottle.
17. Your biggest priority should only ever be happiness – for yourself and your loved-ones. Not a career, not getting married, not having a baby, but whatever makes you happy.
18. It’s much easier to go wrong with a statement eye than it is with a statement lip. If you’re not confident with your make-up skills always opt for the red lippy rather than a smokey eye.
19. Clubbing involves a lot of money, a lot of alcohol and a lot of mistakes. You know what’s nice? Staying in, in your onesie and being a sober, responsible adult and being in control of your actions. Bliss.
20. There is no graceful way to continue on with life after sex. You just got to roll off, shuffle off the bed and run to the toilet and hope for the best.
21. Your body becomes broodier much earlier than your brain. Just give me a few more years, please ovaries, i’m begging ya.
22. Lunchtime carbs will make your afternoon as about as productive as if you were physically sleeping in the stationery cupboard rather than being actually sat ar your desk.
23. You’re not a complete weird freak if you can’t orgasm through penetrative sex. Turns out, most of us can’t. Not that we didn’t spend a huge chunk of our teenage years pretending we could feel ‘something’ happening.
24. You get happier and more content with age. So growing up isn’t scary, it’s exciting, and it’s new and you’re going to have the absolute best time (probably).
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