I’m writing this in my pyjamas following a horrendous day of vomiting, eating, sleeping and feeling like I may or may not have died. Eurgh.
1. OH MY GOD I FEEL LIKE I’VE DIED. WHERE AM I? WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON? Oh wait, it’s 5.45am. I’m going back to sleep.
2. I feel so much better. I’m not even that hungover, this has gone so well for me. Ooh maybe i’ll go to the gym today, do some work, tidy the flat. So much win.
3. WHO ARE THESE STRANGERS IN PHOTOS WITH ME ON MY PHONE?! Oh for Christ sake, why did I try and ring half my phone book at 2am. I’m such a state. I hope I didn’t do anything embarrassing. Eurgh, mortified.
4. I’m so thirsty my mouth feels and tastes like so sort of furry piece of vermin slept in there last night.
5. I’m just going to snuggle up on the sofa with a blanket and watch Friends on Comedy Central for a bit. Yep, that’ll do me.
6. WHY DID JOEY JUST MENTION WINE?! I’M GOING TO BE SICK, I’M GOING TO BE SICK, I’M GOING TO BE SICK.
7. Maybe i’ll just sit next to the toilet for a bit and feel hideously sorry for myself.
8. Right, OK, if I just stick my fingers down my throat and get rid of the leftover puddles of vodka in my belly then I can move forward with my life.
9. Ewww, stomach acid really tastes rank, doesn’t it? And why have I just thrown up white froth? What even is that.
10. My head feels like it’s being squashed by Katie Price’s head. Kill me now. Go on, someone just put me down and put an end to my painful misery.
11. I’m going to take some paracetamol and get back in to bed and hope that I can nap my way out of this sheer living hell. But first, to tweet about said sheer living hell and alert everyone to my crazy party animal ways.
12. Oh good, another wave of nausea. But i’m hungry at the same time and I don’t understand.
13. Is a two person frozen lasagne too much for one person to eat at 10am? Is it? Will anyone know? Should I? I might. I will. I’ll deal with the overwhelming body guilt later.
14. Yep OK, i’ve still got time to sort myself out and maybe get myself down the gym for a swim later and work it off. Yep, that’s definitely it. Plan.
15. Oh wait, 75 minute cooking time. Am I too drunk to drive to McDonald’s? I mean yes, probably, but Big Mac. And chips. Maybe some mozzarella sticks and a cheeseburger chaser. This will cure me. Dream.
16. Wait, hang on, where’s my purse? Where is it? OH GOD, NO, NO, NO. WHAT HAS HAPPENED? I AM A HIDEOUS BEAST OF A PERSON. I’M SUCH A FAILURE. I’M SO ASHAMED. I hope my parents never find out I got so drunk I lost my purse and my dignity.
17. Oh nice, I withdrew £50 at 1am last night. Classic. Absolute classic.
18. I’m really starting to smell like a homeless person, this is embarrassing.
19. I’m sat in the Drive Thru queue in my pyjamas, last night’s make up and a general look that would make small children cry, this is probably a life low point. Probably won’t put this on Instagram. Good.
20. OH MY GOD I FEEL LIKE A NEW PERSON AGAIN AND OH MY GOODNESS MCDONALD’S MELTED CHEESE PLEASE MARRY ME.
21. Ahh, phone notifications to say someone is tagging photos of me on Facebook, excellent news. Absolutely fucking excellent news.
22. I *could* shower and get dressed and move on with my life, but no, not today. Today is for Harry Potter and stewing in my own filth.
23. It’s been two hours since my McDonald’s, kinda wanna order a pizza now, too much? Huh? Maybe? No?
*Spends next week in state of self hate and anxiety caused by getting more drunk than planned and not remembering everything that happened*
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