I’m not really one for quitting. Oh, unless it’s the gym or a diet, I do that pretty often.
I like to see a three hour game of Monopoly through right to the end, I always feel waves of guilt about quitting a job, and there’s no way i’d ever put down a book without finishing it. Yikes.
But here I am, only 13 days into Vlogtober (a month of daily vlogging for those who treat YouTube as a place only for listening to Jennifer Lopez circa 2005) and completely done with it.
It’s not that I didn’t enjoy it – it was something new, a challenge, pushing me into the unknown and that always feels good in a weird way – but it just felt a bit lame. It was time consuming (you know an 8 minute video can take up to an hour to upload to YouTube – nope, don’t get it either) and I felt completely out of my depth, plus, no-one was really watching them.
I’ve been a writer for years, ever since my mum decided a typewriter was a really good investment in the nineties and I took it upon myself to pen stories about Victorian children like some sort of weird adult-child – it was an obsession with What Katy Did and What Katy Did Next that inspired me, honestly. But video? Video I know nothing about.
I can’t edit them, I can’t do voiceovers, I can’t make them look pretty, I can’t speed them up and do fancy things and if i’m horrible honest – i’m not bothered in learning how to do any of it. The thing with writing a blog is that it comes easily, and without sounding like a right big-headed idiot, I know i’m good at it. Sure I could take better photographs, and yeah my blog could have a slightly sassier design, but my work doesn’t look amatuer, it looks like it’s from someone who knows what they’re doing and is experienced and skilled at writing.
With uploading a vlog I look a bit like a 15-year-old on her bedroom trying to change the background of her Myspace profile with a simple bit of HTML, and I hate it. I hate feeling like the newbie in a sea of swanky, professional YouTubers like Zoella, InTheFrow and Tanya Burr. I can look at their blogs and think, yeah mine’s just as good, but my vlogs? Not even bloody close.
So i’m sorry for you guys that were accepting my very basic videos and enjoying them. I’m sorry that I made you believe you were about to get 31 videos of pure awesomeness (utter shit content) from me, and then dashed your dreams by pausing a third of the way through. I just feel too insecure about the half-hearted content I was creating.
It takes a heck of a lot of guts to film yourself on your phone in public, i’ve no idea how people do it without wanting to burst into tears and run and hide in the nearest toilet tbh.
I’m also sorry for not wanting to put the energy in to learn how to make myself a vlogging extraordinaire – but i’m just too caught up with writing at the moment, it’s a bit of a love affair that i’m just not willing to stop just yet. It had got to a point where vlogging was taking away some of my time and energy from writing, and that’s just not me at all.
So i’ll try and keep up with the weekly vlogs of nonsense, if not just to prove i’m spending as much time in my pyjamas worrying about my spots whilst eating carbs as you are (every single bloody day).
But if anything, my failure has helped remind me how passionate I am about writing, and how much I should continue to pour my heart into it, and y’know what, i’m not really all that sorry about that.
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