Periods. They do all sorts of mental things to our brains don’t they? Like make us eat family size bars of Galaxy Cookie Crumble and sob all over the kitchen floor over a smashed wine glass. You darling car crash of hormones.
Here’s the thoughts that cascade around our heads like a hurricane when it’s that time of the month.
1. When did I get so grossly obese?
2. Eurgh and my skin, you could do a dot to dot on those pimply red bad boys.
3. People in the street are looking at me and wondering why i’m such a disgusting whale beast of a women aren’t they?
4. Might go and buy a family size chocolate pudding and eat it all to myself.
5. Maybe a McDonald’s too. Yep definitely a McDonald’s too.
6. I’M SO HORNY. WAH WAH WAH.
7. I look like i’m with child.
8. I feel like i’m with child. All the bloat.
9. But no, period says no baby.
10. Wait, maybe I wanted a baby? Did I want a baby? Do I feel sad about this period.
11. Oh my god, what if i’m one of those women who still has periods even when she’s pregnant. Oh my god, that could be me. It could. It definitely is.
12. I’m just going to sob in bed for a bit.
13. Definitely can’t go to work today, i’m mentally ill. Maybe I should go to the doctors about how disgusting and crazy I am.
14. Oo, you know what would be nice? Macaroni cheese with bacon. Or maybe a Domino’s. Or both. Or anything that’s carb coloured.
15. Why is everyone on Instagram happier and skinnier than me and always on holiday? WHY?
16. Oh jeez, my belly feels really dodgy and rank. Sort of like all my reproductive organs are in a washing machine. Ouch.
17. I’m just going to drag my duvet downstairs on the sofa and watch Bridesmaids or Harry Potter and clutch my cuddly toy like i’m 5 again because FUCK OFF LIFE.
18. Hang on, my tampon appears to have moved and is now jabbing me fiercely in the vagina. Ow.
19. Why do you have to pay tax on tampons? That’s the most stupid thing ever.
20. Why is my face so blotchy? I look like a reptile.
21. I’m just going to lie here like a slug until this horrible natural occurence passes. Don’t mind me. Good day.
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