Sometimes I think online journalism is no place for anyone with mental health issues

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Every morning starts with my phone. Well, OK and my cat.

We digest the info on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram as our parents would have done with a newspaper, and we treat it as our news – getting up to date with the world before we leave the comfort of our beds to face another day.

But for people in the media eye, for people who blog, people who write for a living, especially online, the mornings bring more than just a healthy dose of gossip, they bring a heck of a lot of hate.

I have no idea how people like Danielle Lloyd and Lauren Goodger do it – celebrities who probably get more hate thrown at them than they do love and support. Celebrities who must have to have an every day battle with whether or not they bother checking their Twitter notifications, or Googling themselves – or the one thing i’m really struggling with attempting not to do – Twitter searching yourself. Yikes, for every three girls chuckling and sharing a list, there’s somebody who thinks you’re worse than the dirt on Ian Huntley’s shoes and it’s hard.

If I imagine every comment, tweet or email I get sent and blow it up by a thousand, I don’t think I would cope. I don’t think I would have the innate strength to rise above it, no matter how many sweet messages were sent my way at the same time.

I am in a good place mentally, the best place I have been in a long time. The last time I cried was because of an influx of happy emotions rather than because I found myself in a dark place unable to see my way out of it, and it feels surreal that I am semi self-employed, writing about my life and my interests to make a living – and it is that intense feeling of pride, and the ability to still do double takes on where my life has taken me, that sort of holds me up at the moment, makes me feel mentally sane and dare I say it, happy.

I’ve always said the haters don’t bother me, but I think of sub conscious level they bother the absolute bloody heck out of me.

How can they not?

To have people, on a daily basis, tell you you’re rubbish, not good enough, an idiot, a poor excuse for a writer would effect anyone despite how much you try to block it out.

And for someone still ever-so-slightly raw from a battle with depression? Yeah, those negative comments help me start every single day with a nice

Some days I feel like it might all get too much and i’ll topple from my throne of not caring. I’ll topple and i’ll want to quit writing  and quit living my dreams and i’ll want a life away from online bitches and bored twats. Maybe i’ll start a cheese shop run by cats or something.

I watched a vlog not that long ago from Zoella. It was just a video of her crying and saying that people don’t realise that sometimes her life just gets too much, sometimes it’s too over-whelming, and I get it, I totally get it. People in our industry don’t have the choice to ‘stay of Facebook for a bit’ to pull away from the internet, because we are the internet.

And I think that’s half the problem, the internet can make people feel like their not real, because we can’t see them in real life, and it’s so easy to press send on a Tweet or comment without thinking about how that will effect the person on the other end.

So whenever anything I write goes viral, be it on my blog or on Metro.co.uk, I am of course overwhelmed by the fact so many people can relate to it and i’ve written something people want to share with their friends, but I am also always waiting with baited breath for the haters to start rolling in.

You can try to get into my brain and tear apart everything I have built for myself as much as you want, but right now I am winning because I am still here writing and entertaining.

And on a side note, haters? I’m off to pack for my holiday which I can afford because morons like you are still reading my work. And when read it and think it’s shit and want to share the fact it’s shit with your 27 Twitter followers, that’s fine by me because you’re bringing more views onto my blog and you’re making me money. So thank you, you absolute beasts, this holiday’s on you.

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  • Hi Hannah,
    Just started reading your blog and I love how happy and girly and glittery and filled with cats it is. Just a note to help outway the haters and enjoy that holiday!! Have a good day xx

  • Kerry

    Loved this. The last paragraph sums it up completely, these “haters” are thick. Enjoy your holiday x

  • H8r

    Constructive criticism – maybe try writing something more substantial than lists. Lists are not journalism.

    • Bitten

      Actually, online journalism is an evolving field and ‘is’ whatever commercial producers of content deem it to be. Hannah gets paid to write exactly what she writes precisely because it generates web traffic. Holier-than-thou defenders of ye great olde tradition of journalism are losing their jobs faster than fleas fall off a dog in the tub, because the passage of time and how the world now chooses to consume information is rendering them irrelevant. And, btw, what publication pays you to write? Just curious 😉

      • H8r

        Just because something is popular doesn’t make it good. I’m not a writer by trade but I’m still allowed an opinion, and yes thanks to people like you the only journalism we have will be lists. Buzzfeed will continue to prosper and anything of any substance will be left to rot by the wayside, bring it on!

      • Bitten

        *sigh* Yes, dear, you are allowed to have an opinion. No one said you couldn’t. You and others feel free to denigrate Hannah by way of implication ‘oooooh, you’re not a real journalist because you just write lists’ (which she doesn’t btw, but knowing that would require research and time spent reviewing her writing) but anyone suggesting you take it as well as you give it is suddenly denying you your precious opinion? Here’s a hanky.

  • Oonagh

    Your blog and twitter feed entertain me on a daily basis, keep up the good work, it’s such excellent respite from an otherwise glitter free day job.

  • Bitten

    Have a great holiday Hannah!! I love your writing, you deserve it xx

  • Haha yessssss Hannah, make sure you have endless wines courtesy of the twats! x

  • India

    You know, when I read your post about the things nobody tells you when you move out of London, I was genuinely shocked by the comments people had made! I think the problem with the Internet is that for those creating the content (like you), it’s all about your opinion and generally just putting yourself out there. Yet for those who comment, it’s anonymous and they are safely hidden behind their laptop/tablet/phone screen. I know it’s really hard, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that writing content which goes viral is NOT something everyone can do. But it’s also basic maths that as you reach more people, there will be MORE of people who disagree with you within that number, because the number is higher. It’s not that there is a higher proportion of people who disagree. If that makes any sense?!
    In summary, keep going!
    XX

  • Ems

    Not commented before but I am a massive fan of your blog posts, your pics, your lists! Like loads of other girls reading, it’s like you’re actually writing/listing our own thoughts – it’s brill. And a bit weird. But in a brilliant way! I have to stop myself giggling out loud in my silent office when I escape to your latest post during the day. You are fab, keep it up and can’t wait for the next read. xx

  • Ems

    If this is the second/third/umteempth time this comment posts, so be it. Determined. Not commented before, but needed to say how much I love your posts, lists and pics – here and Metro. In the most beautifully weird way, you seem to say exactly what I’m thinking! Like my friends and so many other girls commenting/retweeting have already said, you just get it! And it’s always heartwarming and hilarious. I have to stop myself actually LOLing when I’m sat in my silent shared office and I’m reading your latest post – a nice cuppa and a cheeky look at your blog is easily the best part of sitting at a computer daily! So keep it up, you’re fab, your work is superb and we can’t wait to read the next post! xx

  • Katie Durkin

    I discovered your blog through a friend the other day because she shared one of your posts and I love it! I come back everyday to have a nosey at what you’ve posted, its a welcome change from scrolling through facebook!

  • kirsty

    Hannah,

    I absolutely love your blog! A friend on FB shared something and thats how I found it! I can totally relate to everything you write and am now inspired to start my own blog!

    Enjoy your holildays and keep us posted 🙂

  • im not ‘big’ enough to have any haters, but i’ve recently deleted my personal twitter profile, just keeping one for my blog, because i was getting sick of immediately checking it as soon as i woke up! it’s a horrible side effect of this internet lifestyle isn’t it.. http://thewanderlusthasgotme.blogspot.co.uk/2014/10/the-2014-inspiration-awards.html

  • Execrable

    Don’t pretend you make money from your ‘journalism’. You are spending your parents’ money.

  • I really enjoyed this post, a LOT, and can really relate. I’m not a professional blogger or anything like that, but I am very active on social media, since it’s the field I specialise in, and it’s a big part of my world. I enjoy it and thrive in it, as I’m a natural sharer, but the same way sharing in the real world leaves you vulnerable, so does sharing online. And it’s bloody hard, as you say. This is probably some of the the reason I stopped my own blog. Not the ONLY reason, I never would have stopped writing my blog if it was just out of fear of what others thought,but I am willing to admit that’s largely what took the enjoyment out of it for me – the growing feeling that there were people out there who (publicly or quietly) didn’t like what I’d written and judged me for it . Like you, I battle with some things, some anxiety and some deep insecurities – these make dealing with haters al the harder. It is SO important you stay strong, stay honest and stay inspiring. I genuinely am inspired by your blog and your attitude, and I sometimes think I wish I had that same strength brazen my way through the crap! Unfortunately I don’t yet, but hopefully that will come if I ever start writing publicly again. Well done Hannah, you are great x

  • It’s like the pill hides what’s really wrong and the doctors want to put you on it rather than fork out to find out what’s actually wrong. I am pretty sure I have endometriosis and I’ve been put on the pill. Right now, I’d take the pill rather than have an operation to find out if I have it and remove the endo, which just comes back anyway. I felt like shit for ages. I’m sorry you’ve been going through this. On the plus side I’ve heard many stories about how women who have endo and pcso have had children just fine. Stay strong. x


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