1. You might think you’re tremendously obese now, but trust me girl, eight and a half stone is nothing. In a few years you’ll go on 5-mile runs after eating a plate of vegetables, pleading your body to get back down to eight and a half stone. Appreciate yo body, doll.
2. On a similar note, your boobs and thighs are about to come into their own, wear mini skirts every day because soon you won’t be able to without looking like you’ve got raw sausages hanging out underneath.
3. Stop wearing so much eyeliner that you look like a panda corpse. Just stop. You’re not an emo, you’re a chav, get over it.
4. DO NOT DYE YOUR HAIR BROWN, NOT EVER. YOU WILL LOOK LIKE A CREATURE OF THE SWAMP.
5. Make the most of your summer holidays and half terms, you don’t have many left. Build dens, play Pokemon Red whilst it’s still acceptable and have film marathons. Those are the goldies you’ll be gagging for when you hit full-time work.
6. From here on out when boys kiss you they’ll also want to stick their hands down your pants. Be prepared for this. There may be a lot of swatting involved.
7. That black crochet poncho you bought from New Look with your birthday money was a mistake. The padded lace bra was not. Great shout, Hannah.
8. You won’t have your grandparents about too much longer. Take a notebook and listen and note down all their incredible tales and secrets from the past so you can never forget them, you’ll regret it otherwise. Don’t you want to know how they survived living in Poland during the war?
9. You are going to get a part time job eventually. Whatever may seem like a good idea, you do not need to spend the entire £500 a month on Big Macs and VodKat. Put some aside for uni, and then spend the rest on said Big Macs and Vodkat, they’ll help turn you into the delightful young women you are today.
10. Eat as many Chicago Town microwave pizzas as you can. Maybe every day. Future Hannah comes close to having a breakdown in the Co-op every time she walks through the frozen section. She wants them so desperately but she really doesn’t need an extra roll of fat on her ribs and it makes her weep with sadness.
11. Keep writing your diary, even if you do just write about tremendously boring things like which boys spoke to you at school that day and what you might wear on non-school uniform day. Clue: Not those knee-high lace-up boots.
12. Y’know how howling drunk you like to get at house parties? You really don’t need to down Malibu, WKDs and vodka to have a good time. You’re actually pretty fun and cool even when you’re not passing out drunk. Who knew?
13. Stop flashing. Just stop.
14. You think you’ll be married with a baby at 25. You won’t be. Just preparing you, babes.
15. 97% of the boys you fancy now who don’t like you back will get fat and ugly and end up in dead-end jobs. You won’t. (Although you may get a tiny bit chubbier – soz).
16. That heart tattoo you really want on your hip? Maybe don’t get it. Just trust me on this one.
17. Your friends will tell you you don’t suit red lipstick. This is a bold lie. Wear it as much as you can, you look like a right hottie.
18. You’re about to fall in love. Or at least thing it’s love. I won’t patronise you and tell you it’s not, but don’t feel like the whole world has fallen apart when it doesn’t work out. Everything happens for a reason and much better things are just around the corner. Promise.
19. Algebra, photosynthesis and all that malarkey? Yeah you don’t need it. You were right all along.
20. Dry shampoo, babes. They sell it in Boots. It’ll sort out that greasy sweeping fringe a right treat.
21. Your best friends will say mean things about you behind your back, and despite what it may sound like, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Or that anything they’re saying is true. Mostly, you shouldn’t get upset about it because you know you totally do it back.
22. You make rash decisions. It’s just your thing. Everything will constantly think you’re mental and all over the place and unsettled, but you just have a super duper gut feeling and you’ll always end up landing on your feet. Always.
23. And the most important thing you’ll ever learn and ever know (thanks to your best friend) is that everything changes in a day. So stop dwelling on everything. Stop getting sad when someone calls you fat, when you get sacked from your Saturday job, when you break up with someone or when some moron ignores your texts, you won’t care in a day or two, because everything changes more quickly than you could ever imagine.