1. I’m fat.
2. FUCK, is that a stretch mark? Or did I sleep on a bed sheet crease again?
3. I wish I was going on holiday today, I need sand and a tan and cocktails. Actually need it for my mental health. Life is so stressful.
4. Wait, I wonder if I have depression.
5. Michelle Keegan is so ridiculously hot. My life is so unfair. Just look at those boobs.
6. MY AVAILABLE BALANCE IS HOW MUCH?!
7. I wish McDonalds had no calories in.
8. Oh good, another person I went to school with has posted a baby scan on Facebook. FML.
9. Is it too early for wine?
10. I’m fat.
11. Wait, why is my hair doing that shit thing again? FFS.
12. I wonder if my boyfriend will propose to me this year.
13. Wait, but if he does do I actually want to marry him? And only sleep with one person for the rest of my life.
14. I think I’m pregnant.
15. Do I like my job? Maybe I should go travel the world instead. Everyone else is doing it.
16. Will my lunch look good with a nice Instagram filter on it? And will it get enough likes to not make me look like a gigantic unpopular loser?
17. I’m tired.
18. That girl is such a basic bitch.
19. Oh seriously, fuck. I’ve already planned my outfit for tomorrow night in my head with those Topshop shoes so now I’m going to have to spend £80 on them and then just eat beans and noodles for the rest of the month.
20. *Goes to Pret, spends £7*
21. HOW DOES MY CHICKEN SALAD SANDWICH ON WHOLEMEAL BREAD HAVE THE SAME CALORIES AS A BIG MAC?!
22. Holy fucking shit, that girl looks 58932 times more stylish than me. I hate my life.
23. She’s so skinny too, she obviously doesn’t eat. That must be it, she’s anorexic.
24. I should go to the gym tonight, but y’know… Tired.
25. Wait, why am I crying over nothing AGAIN?
26. I wonder if all of these people on my Facebook that I haven’t spoken to in 6 years secretly stalk me like I stalk them.
27. Wait, why has a boy I was texting in 2009 just Facebook messaged me? What is this? Oh maybe I got hot.
28. I want a can of Diet Coke. Ewww, no, not a bottle.
29. Have I got lipstick on my chin? This is why red lippy is for fucking idiots.
30. Oh good, someone’s just posted another fake Marliyn Monroe quote on Twitter.
31. And then every night between Monday and Thursday… Tonight I’m going to go home, have a bath, eat carbs and watch Netflix because I deserve this shit because my life is HARD. So fricking hard.
Being a girl is ace, innit?