1. Red wine. You paired it with steak ONCE and then it happened. A horrendous lifetime love affair. FFS.
2. Lemon. Not as in I’ll have a lemon and sugar pancake, as in, I’ll choose the zingy lemon dessert over the dirty, melty, scrumptious chocolate fudge cake. Oh.
3. Pains. Pains with no causes. Oh my lower back, oh my overpowering stress headache, oh my shoulders, oh woe is me I’m old.
4. You own enough items for ‘clutter’. ACTUAL CLUTTER LIKE YOUR WEIRD AUNTIE HAS. Old ornaments and photo frames and books and papers and stuff. That’s it, stuff.
5. You understand how it’s possible to have 17 cups of tea, even in summer. It’s just so damn British and soothing in any situation.
6. Comfy pants are the absolute bees knees.
7. Board games and a good book totally trump 3am raves EVERY TIME.
8. You have a keen desire somewhere inside your soul to learn more about grown-up things, like mortgages and pensions and buying stocks and politics. Oo-er.
9. You carry around plenty of ‘just in case’ items. Tissues, torch, notebook, pen, umbrella, because grown-ups never like to be caught off guard. Nope.
10. You’d rather chew your own toe than drink a Smirnoff Ice of WKD.
11. You eat healthily because you like the idea of brilliant nutrients swimming around your body making you all glowy and shiny and young forever. And NOT because you’ve outgrown your size 8 jeans. Sob.
12. You miss learning, so you’ll often trade in an evening of Snookie and J-Woww for the documentary channel. There’s nothing more satisfying than teaching yourself general knowledge, is there?
13. You have acquired a comfy wardrobe. What’s a bodycon dress, again?
14. You actually spend 0.5643% of your time questioning your fertility and wondering if it’s already nose-diving into nothingness.
15. New socks = Best. Christmas. Present. Ever.
16. Instead of drinking buckets of Sex On The Beach, you’ve taken to looking at landmarks and tourist attractions on your summer holiday, before settling on a quiet beach. Sigh.
17. Not understanding hashtags. #wcw #mcm #tbt
18. Saving. YOLO, I’m going to spend all my money on holidays and rooftop cocktail bars just in-case I get hit by a bus tomorrow. Lol JK, I’m putting my pay cheque in an ISA.
19. Tiredness, and not the sort that comes from being a lazy slob of a teenager. The type that comes from the exhausting juggling act that is your career, your social life, paying bills, pleasing people, social media and being generally poor. Ewwww.
20. An unnerving obsession with kitchen appliances and homeware. (For anyone reading this, I’d like a Dyson, new ironing board and a garlic crusher).
21. And the really horrifying one… Realising that life isn’t anywhere near as traumatic or tear-jerkingly difficult as you once thought. Because everything will be alright in the end, won’t it?