1. You won’t ever be able to go to the Natural History Museum. The queue (made up entirely of excited tourists who will bump into you constantly if you try and join said queue) will terrify you. Instead you’ll make the bold decision to mosey on down to the V&A, and, wait for it… be thoroughly disappointed. Don’t act so surprised, we were all secretly thinking it…
2. Drinking will seem perfectly acceptable at all times. School nights don’t exist and you’ll find yourself necking 2-4-1 martinis on a Monday night without a care in the world. You’ll only notice that things might not be quite so wonderful when your doctor asks how many units you get through in a week… Oh.
3. You’ll be glued to Buzzfeed and London Grumblr for 62% of the time. Because the only people who will ever understand you now are fellow Londoners.
4 .You’ll realise that travelling anywhere outside of the M25 is like travelling to Mordor. Sort of. It’ll require walking, buses, tubes, trains, hovercrafts and jet-packs. Have fun.
5. You will never have money, ever. How ever much you earn, your rent, cocktail intake and spontaneous holiday bookings will ensure you are entirely broke, always and forever.
6. You’ll constantly contemplate moving out to the country. Upon checking what your wage would be outside of London/ how early you’d have to set your alarm to commute in, you’ll pull a massive sulk and drink some wine to make up for the upsetting news.
7. Those outside London will imagine your life to revolve around cocktails on roof terraces, dinners at the latest pop up restaurants and a lot of time pounding Oxford Street and Harrods. In reality you’ll spend a lot of time under the duvet watching Breaking Bad. Although you’ll only post the former on social media, because, y’know, it’s fun to create an illusional persona isn’t it?
8. It’s ok to sit in McDonalds all alone and eat a large meal. Whether you’re hungover, drunk or just a bit peckish. No-one will judge and it’s not embarrassing. Phew.
9. You’ll become a pro at walking. In heels, whilst eating a sandwich, texting, Instagramming, holding an umbrella, going up stairs AND not touching anyone. Olympic skills right there.
10. Everytime someone sneezes on public transport you’ll have a mild panic over whether you should say bless you. And then, instead, you’ll look away and get your antibacterial gel out.
11. Children taking up seats on the tube/talking loudly/crying at rush hour will always make your blood boil so much you’ll swear you never have kids. That, or only ferry them around by car.
12. Even if you won’t admit it, you’ll always think you’re slightly cooler than non-Londoners. Although you’ll happily discuss it with fellow Londoners. Stuck up snob.
13. Every time you have to lug a weekly shop back from Tesco you’ll have a mild asthma attack, become a weight lifting pro and remember how much you miss your car. All that before swearing you’ll order it online next time.
14. Sometimes you just have to man up and walk home alone in the dark late at night and pray you don’t get mugged.
15. You’ll miss gardens. Proper gardens with kept grass and flowers and a table and chairs and a BBQ. Instead you’ll take lengthy trips to the park and be thoroughly cold.
16. Instead of visiting cool pop up restaurants, you’ll end up eating at Pizza Express on a Wednesday more than is socially acceptable.
17. You’ll think anyone who doesn’t walk with the pace of being chased deserves a firm kicking.
18. You’ll never visit Oxford Street or Marble Arch Primark stores. Ever. Unless you want to die. Or lose a leg in a pushchair ramming accident.
19. You live WHERE?! Brixton, Hackney, Peckham, Fulham are the only places you really understand that people live, after that you get lost.
20. You’ll be saddened by the fact that here are very few nice places to sit by the River Thames. Probably because it’s a bit grubby and polluted. Ewww.
21. You won’t read as much as you like. Because reading in your bed sheets that are way overdue a wash and are stained with drunkenly consumed pasta sauce just isn’t the same as reading on a sunny day in your parents’ well-kept sunny garden.
22. You will never have enough time for all of your plans. Working late, Netflix and lie-ins will take up more time than you care to admit, sob. Cue chipped toenails, an empty fridge and an unused gym membership.
23. You become incredibly good at not staring at people that are drawing attention to themselves. Oh, there’s a drunk middle aged man with no hair basically in my lap? I was reading Stylist, I had no idea… Lalala…
24. Walking across the Thames after a few too many work drinks will always make you feel emotional. I LIVE IN SUCH A BEAUTIFUL CITY, IM SO BLESSED.
Ain’t it grand?