It’s funny how break ups release so many different stages of emotions over such a long period of time. The way a simple dream, photograph, song or film can change your entire mood for the rest of the day, change your perspective on the entire break up.
You can go from feeling on top of the world, independent and unbreakable to lonely, miserable and forgotten about all in seconds.
The last few months have been full of all the incredibly spellbinding moments you’d expect from any single 23 year old. Dinner and margaritas with my best friends, Sunday walks in the sunshine, champagne-fuelled work events, and the sort of Saturday nights that will be talked about for years to come. I’ve enjoyed it all, no, stop, I’ve loved every minute of it, I’m relishing the time with my new found me. But it’s those moments, whether it’s a minute or an entire weekend, when my plans are halted and I’m left alone with myself, that I start to really mourn the way things were before and the things I’ve lost.
I’m an extreme version of myself when I’m busy. This incredible, on-top-of-the-world person, who truly has never been so happy. And yet the minute I stop creating havoc with my friends, I feel like a ghost of myself. I feel so incredibly alone and insecure, and mostly I feel lost. It’s ok because these moments are fleeting and I’m quick to regain control over my happiness, but they’re so insanely overwhelming that they drown out all the good things currently happening in my life.
I suppose it’s the feeling in the back of your head that constantly questions whether the entire relationship ever happened, that things were ever as you can remember them. The bigger the time gap gets, the more confusing it becomes and the less you trust the memories your brain conjures up.
In some ways time really does heal all wounds, and in other ways, perhaps when things are left unclosed, time creates mysteries in your brain and they can hurt more than the original break up pains.
Life is full of traumas, and it’s the ways in which we heal from them that shape the future us. We are defined by the way we heal. It controls the way we’ll approach future relationships, friendships and decisions. Terrifying right? I can only hope, as with everything, that I’m doing things right, that I’ve made the right decisions, and that I’m sure of myself enough to know that I’ll move on from this as a stronger, happier and better version of myself.
Here’s to being young and unstoppable.