My New Year’s resolutions (and yes, getting Facebook stalked is one of them)


1. Top of my agenda (and already completed) was to buy this, my domain name, in the hope of establishing myself as a serious freelancer. I’m feeling pretty damn professional, mountains so more than when I was biding my days cold calling people into rented properties in South West London, and universes more than my days traipsing around the Job Centre in a hazy unemployed blur. Watch this space for business cards, getting paid to attend LFW and living a life, that, from the outsider’s view will look completed coated in glitter and glamour. Think plenty of freebies, champagne and fleeting moments with celebrities.

2. Learn to knit. I’ve put this off since the horrific days of GCSE textiles in which I ended up knotting my yarn around myself, the table and the stool. But I want chunky scarfs in every colour of the rainbow, huge vintage-looking shaggy cardigans and patterned jumpers (namely a Christmas themed one, and a Mrs Weasley inspired ‘H’ knit). But mostly, as my adult years loom ever closer, I want to be the friend that knits baby cardigans and soft creamy blankets for my acquaintances’ offspring. Yes, I want to complete my housewife transformation by learning to knit.

3. Read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo novels – if one more person rambles on about how amazing the film is, I’ll pour my mint green nail varnish into my ears. Books are always better, We Need To Talk About Kevin proves this. Which BTW is the book of 2011, and anyone that likes a psychological novel that flirts with mass murder and the nature vs nurture debate will ADORE it.

4. Have a wonderful holiday. This is already in the pipeline, having just put down a deposit for a luxurious Cretan resort holiday, complete with 5* rating and all-inclusive board. This is my first grown-up couple holiday. No more getting drunk on Vimto and vodka whilst playing Have You Ever on a balcony. No more throwing up in fast food restaurants, wearing t-shirts with my name imprinted on the back, and no more downing pints at Gatwick pre-flight. I’m ever so slightly terrified.

5. Love myself more. But by this, I’m forced to admit that my loyalties lie not only with mentally changing my attitude to myself, creating a happier and healthier individual, but to creating a more perfect version of myself. I want to be Facebook stalkable. I want to be perfect in every aspect that it’s possible. I not only want to be the girl who’s paid to write about clothes and bags and go to posh events, and the girl that has the devilishly handsome boyfriend (because obviously I do) but also the girls that looks the part. So I’m back to the way I am every January – I spend long hours in the gym, my bedtime snack consists of dried apricots and camomile tea, and I treat carbs like the plague come 6pm. I spritz my face with just enough fake tan so that it glows, but not so much that it runs out (because I can’t afford more), I paint my nails twice a week, exfoliate and moisturise daily, and am so desperate to find someone who can sort out my grotesque mess of a hairstyle that I’d probably give up my car for a lifetime of envy-inducing hair. My way of faking it, until I learn how to dress/apply make-up /style myself appropriately is to coat myself in lashings of red lipstick, my grandmother’s clothes and wear wedges everywhere.

Watch this space

  • Tyler Hand

    This is utterly brilliant 😀 x


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